THE 21ST CENTURY WIFE -4
Thanks so much for your wonderful column which I have followed for over 4years. You are doing a great job except that I think you are insulting the intelligence of our women by comparing us with a concubine. I was blessed by your piece of last week nevertheless. What do you think we can do to keep our marriage going because I almost lost mine to a woman 2 years ago. I argue with my spouse a lot on several issues and most times he would just go quiet on me and that drove me crazy only to discover he was already seeing another woman. We made up eventually but he kept complaining about my lack of respect for him. What do you advice me to do in this case.
Hauwa H. I
The 21st century woman has a lot of work to do to keep a marriage. As a matter of fact the job of building a successful marriage in this century is a great job indeed. I doff my hat for our women because we have done so much and gotten so little these past years but I want you to know that your reward is coming and you will smile when it comes.
The whole essence of the series I am running at the moment isn’t to rubbish the good works you are doing as a wife but to open you up to the missing link in most marriages that if we plug can reduce many of the troubles we go through in our marriages. What I have been sharing are time tested principles that some of our mothers practiced unconsciously. Doing these things doesn’t reduce your value it only affirms the wise woman that you are. After-all a wise woman builds her own house says an ancient proverb.
The power to build an incredible marriage resides in you and you can make it work irrespective of the challenges you are confronted with.
I have said severally that it is no longer sufficient for the 21st century woman to be a wife; she must also become her husband’s concubine. Becoming his concubine doesn’t mean he won’t still run after the woman outside, it is just that the route to the woman outside still brings him back to you because you have become both women. I will continue with the major differences to answer the question Mrs. Hauwa raised.
The 5th and the 6th differences are:
– While his wish is subject to explanation at home, his wish to the concubine is a command.
– The wife shares control while the concubine gives him control
Men are naturally competitive in nature and they hate to lose. Every time a man loses at home it takes a lot of caution and self control for him not to look for a place to win in other to feel good. One thing a lot of women don’t understand is that when a man says his woman doesn’t respect him, what that actually means is that you argue too much with him. Respect to a man can be summarized as ‘Don’t argue with me’.
We don’t know the damage we do to our marriages when we go on arguing over issues. One of the golden rules in marriage says ‘It is better to do what is right than to insist on being right’. Of what use is it to you when you win an argument with a customer only to lose him?
The woman outside hasn’t become a wife yet so she pretends to be calm and gives him control. As a matter of fact she behaves as if he owns the totality of her and that makes a lot of men happy. The point here is understanding when to argue as a wife and when to allow your spouse win as his concubine. If you have tried to make him see the point and he doesn’t get him just trust God that he will see it when he withdraws into his cave(because every man has a cave period).
If he goes ahead to make a bad decision despite your warning and fail please don’t use that as an opportunity to preach him a litany of sermons. What you have to do at such a time is to encourage him and let him understand that things would get better because a man needs a cheer-leader (he expects his wife to hail him) when he is doing well and a mother (someone to empathize with him) when he had just made a terrible mistake. Good men listen to his wives when taking decisions because a woman’s intuition is so strong that it can detect danger that is millions of miles ahead (many don’t know so they learn the hard way).
There is a way to get your man to explain what he wants to do without sounding as if you are probing his decisions. Men don’t like it when they are made to face the internal EFCC at home and they don’t appreciate unsolicited counsel. That is not to say they don’t expect you to contribute. They only want your contribution to sound like a suggestion while you still trust their ability to take a final decision (every wise woman knows when and how to turn their spouse’s neck in whatever direction they want him to go). That is why I often appeal to singles never to say ‘Yes’ to a man whose decisions you can’t respect when you marry. Give your husband control and you will see him share it with you. That is the way to go.
To be continued