I have done everything to change my husband to no avail. I have done everything and sometimes became confrontational yet nothing seems to have changed. He has this disorganized nature that he doesn’t seem to know where he keeps what? I have tried to teach him how to become organized to no avail. As a matter of fact he switches off anytime I want to correct him and I am really bothered because he has started showing some strange signs that I am not too sure if he is not seeing another woman. Please what do you suggest I do?
Welcome to another awesome session with me and thanks once again for your numerous mails and calls. The key to building a fantastic marriage is our willingness to unlearn, learn and relearn the vital time tested principles that makes every marriage work.
I got talking to a female friend who read what I started last week and she reminded me of a truth I had always known that anyone can be a lady but only a few can become real wives? She went further to speak extensively on the fact that our 21st century women have so lost the vital ingredients of becoming successful wives that the 21st century bug seem to have overtaken many of them. Our lives have become characterized by lies that we don’t even know what the truth is. Our wonderful virtues that we applauded our mothers for had since been replaced by something else that we don’t even seem to know who we are any longer.
While I won’t totally advocate we go back to the 18th century or the 19th century roles that women used to play, I also will not completely embrace the 21st trend. I advocate for balance where we temper the 21st century quest for career success with the 19th century wisdom of humble and quiet spirit which helped our mothers make a success out of their marriages.
Last week, I started looking at the basic differences between the wife and the concubine because it is no longer sufficient for the 21st century woman to be a wife, she must also fill the role of a concubine in the life of her husband.
Today I will move to the next vital difference:
2. Communication – While the wife speaks to re-train him the concubine speaks to retain him.
I marvel at our quest to retrain our men and rid them of some of their habits that we detest forgetting that the first woman in his life (his mother) put up with the same thing you complain about for several years and even tried to retrain him without success before handing him over to you. How often do we complain about the disorganized nature of our spouse without knowing that there is another woman who sees his disorganized nature as the height of creativity?
I am not saying we should put up with irresponsibility but we must understand that the best way to get a man to do your bidding is not to nag him consistently about what you want corrected but to Pause, Prepare, Postpone (when he is not in the mood to listen), Present and to Persist creatively till he gets it right.
There is a literary term called euphemism which is defined as speaking of harsh and unpleasant things in a pleasant way. The 21st century wife must learn to make use of this to the fullest. So for example instead of calling him a disorganized man it’s better to call him a creative man. Some even call their men lazy just to get him to become more daring but what you refer to as laziness is what the concubine calls ‘being homely’. Every wise woman considers what they want to say before saying it. But they also look for the best way and time to pass the message without getting the man offended. A mentor of mine once said ‘There is a fool and a king in every man and the one you address per time is the one that responds to you’
Stop complaining about what you can’t change about your spouse and learn to pray the prayer of serenity which says ‘God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference’
Every man needs a cheer leader when he has achieved something great and a mother when he has burnt his fingers (even if you warned him against it beforehand).
I think every 21st century woman needs to assess their communication skills at the moment. Are your words good enough to keep the giant consistently on your laps or repulsive enough to drive him to the other woman? If all you do is to correct and retrain him (even if it’s out of love) if you don’t do it with wisdom and say it the way he loves to hear it, it will seem like a nagging and that may drive him to where he is flattered and where the speech is smooth enough to retain him. Selah
To be continued………………….