“If only my husband wouldn’t shout at me so rudely”, “If only I could control my anger and not end up beating my spouse”, “If only I knew that people could not be trusted”, “If only my husband would be so understanding” – These and many more are the problems people face in their marriages. The root nature of problems is that it always disguises as if something is wrong with someone else! Reality however is that – Change is an inside job!
All of us manage a door of change within our hearts that can only be opened from the inside. The way to change your spouse is not to talk to or at them. The way to change your spouse and ultimately change your marriage relationship is to first change yourself. No amount of verbosity, diction or erudition will compensate for lack of understanding of the real nature of challenges, issues, problems or predicaments. Change is always an inside Job!
What do all these mean? Very simple, there is a very reasonable reason why your spouse is doing what he or she is doing. It may not be logical to you, it may not be right to you, but in their own little world, there is a perfect and reasonable reason for their actions. From their own perspective, that’s the only way to do it! You will not change their views without changing their lens, you will not change their lens without first entering their world, and seeing life from their point of view. Reality is not as effective as perspective, people’s perspectives define their realities. In order to change your spouse, you must be willing to first make yourself vulnerable to their point of view, before you can ever truly communicate your point of view to them. The ability to go through this process is the definition of maturity.
I am amazed how people want to change the world, when they have not changed their nation. I marvel that they are passionate to change their nation, when they are unknown in their communities. I am amused by their desire to change their community when their family problems are so visible. I wonder that they want to change their spouses when they have not changed themselves. If you want to change the world, start at home! The same step that takes you out of bed, is capable of moving you to the ends of the earth if you don’t stop!
These are not mere theories, they are principles that have been tested out on couples and families and it holds true. I enjoin you to join our next mentorship session – the exercises are not only for personal and business development, it’s all round problem solving and leadership. If you are in Lagos, you can register directly at deoluakinyemi.com/mentorshipwaa, if you are however not in Lagos and don’t mind getting a recorded version of the presentations, here is the link for you.