Before We Get Serious

Written by
Written by

Deolu Akinyemi

There are a lot of serious things on my mind as the year is getting wrapped up and closing up to give way to the next. I’m thinking finalizing my reviews of this previous year, I’m thinking of firming my goals for the next. All these are serious things. In reviewing I need to analyze where I succeeded and where I didn’t, where I need to focus better on in the coming year, and what I really need help with. In finishing up my goals I need to seriously get alignment from control towers, from God, the source of my life and the author of my purpose. All these are serious things.  As I write I’m on the Island in a hotel close to VGC where I’m meeting with some future thinking Nigerians who are bent on making Nigeria the most desireable country to live in. 

Those are all serious things, but before we get to serious, I think it’s good we unwind a bit, and laugh heartily.  Are there reasons to be happy and laugh? Yes there are plenty of reasons. One is that you are alive and well, and made it through to witness the last Saturday, Sunday and even monday of the current year. Most of us know people who didn’t make it past this year, we are not better than them, we are only still alive because there are still expectations that God has not given up on us that we can still achieve. I stumbled on some interesting true life resume occurences that I felt might be a good way to get you laughing into the end of this year. Sit tight and have a happy reading.

The few excerpts you are about to read are actual contents of some people’s resume’s (CVs). Some of them might blow your mind for daftness, but don’t be so hard on them, you might be able to learn what not to write. I’ll add a few coments to give it some punch.. where necessary.

“I am very detail-oreinted.” “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.” “Special skills: Thyping.” “Special Skills: Speak English.”

Yeah right! Whenever you want to make claims like this, please do a proper spell check. Be careful of making boasts of things that can be evaluated immediately.

“Graduated in the top 66% of my class.”

Yeah, if you had a third class, you might still be able to achieve that.  Isn’t the top supposed to be smaller?

“References: Leanne Kaye-Deceased Nov. 14, 1997.”

Eleri me wa lorun – My witness is in heaven! Somebody actually wrote that, what was he/she thinking?? Maybe she can put the phone number of a medium there to, so at least they can reach the dead.

“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.”

That’s like – HELP!!! 

“You will always find me to be an extremely trying person”

Hmmm…

“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”

Do you think this information will make you valueable?

“It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

I’m warning you now oh!

“Please disregard the attached resume — it is terribly out of date.”

lol. Yeah… We’ll hire you based on this letter alone.

“I am sicking and entry-level position.”

This must be an Indian

“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”

Wow…  so if you are 50, how do you want the N50? Per week?

“I am superior to anyone else you could hire.”

Ha!

“You are privileged to receive my resume.”

Yeah… we’ll glaze it and laminate it and boast to other employees about it. You must be Mandela.

“If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.”

In other words -I don’t intend to waste my CV on you. If you don’t like it, at least let me be able to use it again 🙂

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

That’s a special kinda job.

 

“I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.”

Hmmm… sounds like someone who has been searching for at least 10yrs. I smell desperacy!

“I can play well with others.”

Is it play we are playing here? How about work, can you do that too?икони

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